We don’t care how you got here. At this point, time spent wallowing in shame, trying to unravel the string of choices that brought you to us, is time neither of us can afford.
The bottom line: you’re here, the holidays so close you can smell the gingerbread, and you apparently need to ship something.
You still have options. Let’s review them.
Expedited Shipping means whatever we do with Standard Shipping, but way faster. For way more money. At this late hour, however, we cannot fully guarantee your parcel will arrive in time. We understand if that makes this option less desirable, but hope you appreciate our honesty.
Extremely Expedited No-Questions-Asked Shipping
On the other hand, should you choose EE-NQA Shipping, we can guarantee your parcel will arrive on time for the holidays… but you must promise something. Promise to never ask how this was accomplished.
Promise that no matter what you hear… or what your recipient might hear outside their door, be it a cruel, booming laugh, or the sound of leathery wings retreating into a portal of black flame… you will never start digging into our methods.
Because you know what happens when people start digging, don’t you? They end up buried. Just know that your package arrived on time. Let that be enough.
Gift Disaster Reenactment Shipping
With time so precious, you’ll agree, all options must be explored. We hope you’ll further agree that oftentimes a well-documented, highly visible attempt to send a gift can be as meaningful as the gift itself.
In this vein, consider Gift Disaster Reenactment Shipping, where a delivery agent, holding an empty “dummy” package, almost makes it to your recipient’s door but then meets with a carefully staged accident: falling down a flight of stairs; being set upon by wild animals; succumbing to previously-repressed psychological trauma, tearing your gift to shreds, ripping the clothes from their body and racing towards any nearby wilderness.
This option creates the exciting impression that your gift nearly arrived, but was lost through circumstances beyond your control. Rest assured, our delivery agents are all trained in stage combat and violence-themed clowning, to provide a performance convincing to the most skeptical onlooker.
Option includes falsified receipts and hospital/police/asylum reports to insure authenticity.
Gift Disaster Deluxe: Gift Abduction Reenactment Shipping
A variation on our popular Gift Disaster Shipping option with increased showmanship: here, our delivery agent is joined by a trusted local actor, in disguise as the “Parcel Bandit”.
Together, the two find a highly visible place near the recipient’s home, where the “Parcel Bandit” will surprise and overpower our agent, snatch the facsimile gift from their hands, and escape from justice.
At your request, our agent can deliver a quick impassioned monologue, to be overheard by your recipient, along the lines of “The Parcel-Stealing Bandit has done it again!” or “Who would be so cruel to steal such a thoughtful and expensive gift?” or even, “Someday, SOMEDAY, I’ll see that carefully-chosen present back at this door, and you in the ground, Parcel Bandit!” Dialogue options available on website.
Psychological Adjustment Reduced Expectations Shipping
Before moving heaven and Earth to send your package — can your recipient’s expectations be adjusted to no longer require it?
As part of the PARE Shipping option, our delivery agent, disguised as a friendly stranger experiencing car troubles, in need of somewhere to spend the night, will insinuate themselves into your recipient’s home life. Once in position, they’ll begin to make subtle statements about society’s overreliance on material wealth, sharing personal anecdotes like “The near-death experience that taught me human connection is the greatest gift of all.” When the holidays arrive—as our agent and your recipient are sharing a tearful farewell — the need for things as hollow and temporary as physical gifts will be long gone. Shipping fee includes several changes of clothes for agent and new automobile to be strategically damaged.
Throw It Shipping
How far are you from your parcel’s destination? Not far? Throw it.
Out Of Options Shipping
When all other options have been exhausted… it’s time to suck it up and get Amazon Prime.