Shiny New Irrational Fears About LGBTQ+ People

Tim Sniffen
5 min readApr 25, 2022

Gay people are groomers. Haven’t you heard? We have this secret agenda of readying youngsters for horrible things — and we’ve been found out. Also, anyone who opposes the new Gay People Can Only Have The Mushiest Avocados At Whole Foods amendment, or whatever it is this week, well, they must be a groomer too. Welcome! Here’s your trenchcoat and binoculars.

It’s an efficient bit of panicked slander, there’s no denying. You know what makes you sound like a pedophile? Arguing that you’re not a pedophile.

It’s also one we’ve done before.

Yeah, there was this whole crazy time around the sixties when queer culture had the persona of a leering pencil-mustached gentleman, lurking in the shadows. This turned out to be John Waters, scouting film locations. Then people got to know us, then Will & Grace proved we could be trusted for twenty-two minutes every Thursday, and so on through the slow march towards public acceptance, to the point where no one bats an eye at the siblings-or-lovers generic gay couple in the latest Subaru Outback commercial.

Except now, select groups are trotting out “groomer” from storage and treating it like a shocking new phenomenon, like Uncle Wayne making everyone to sit through his newly-digitized VHS recording of him scoring the big goal at the homecoming game.

In both cases, we can’t help but think, this again? Didn’t we hate this the first time?

So to all the “groomer-slingers” out there: if you’re going to insist on making stuff up about us… at least let us provide some fresh material.

Because you shouldn’t have to be a garbage person and unimaginative.

Enjoy these new, equally plausible theories about the LGBTQ+ community! Mix and match. Collect them all.

Lesbians can telepathically control your pets.

Surely not a shocker. You know that thing where your cat starts zooming around the house at 11 pm when you’re going to bed? That’s a nearby Lesbian Commander, mentally coaching Whiskers or Cinnamon towards building up their endurance, anticipating the day they’re called into service in the Lesbian Pet Army.

Tim Sniffen

Writing: Work In Progress on Showtime, The New Yorker, NPR’s Live From Here, Hello From The Magic Tavern, McSweeney’s, Jackbox Games | Twitter @MisterSniffen