Remember, Every Purchase From Best Buy Comes With Our ‘Black Mirror’ Guarantee

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We live in a time of unprecedented change, from shrinking supercomputers to programmable thermostats that somehow convince us to kill ourselves. As a consumer, you rely on technology vendors to match the demands of the market without compromising your safety, and that’s why for every item that leaves our stores, Best Buy proudly offers the ‘Black Mirror Guarantee’.

What does that mean? That you can shop with confidence. That your purchase will not only include recent updates and safety measures — but the promise that you won’t be plunged into a technological nightmare with broad satirical undertones through the use of it.

Let’s take high-definition televisions. Our HDTVs offer unparalleled color and resolution — while at no time becoming so realistic that you mistake them for reality, trapped in an unresponsive, coma-like state as your genuine human relationships atrophy. Likewise, the DVR systems included in most models will never begin to display your worst thoughts and impulses in an unstopping flood until the pain becomes unbearable. Guaranteed.

Smart Assistants are all the rage. Who doesn’t want an extra brain around the house? As your device learns about you, all collected data will be stored with maximum encryption and deleted at your request, and should your Smart Assistant begin to impersonate a deceased loved one with chilling accuracy, to the degree where you can no longer distinguish between your desperate need to hear their voice again and your own swiftly deteriorating sense of right and wrong, a quick call to our hotline will restore the device to factory settings and allow you to resume a more appropriate position along your path of grieving.

Wearable is hot, hot, hot! Whether you’re a fitness buff monitoring workouts or an email junkie taking your office on the road, your device will be ready when you need it — not fused to your body in the first phase of your transformation to a mindless automaton. Best Buy will not let that happen. We also offer waterproofing.

Today’s game systems offer a level of escapism like never before... with an equally unexplored potential for ironic damnation. Rest assured, before each game leaves the warehouse, Best Buy’s QA inspectors declare it free of all devastating twists, including, but not limited to:

  • Events in the game occurring to your own family.
  • Your body withering and fading while your game avatar grows stronger.
  • Being sucked into a past or parallel world where monstrous beliefs are now unquestioned law.
  • Your unconscious mind being programmed to commit acts of violence against game manufacturer’s real-world competitors.
  • Impregnation by a simulated character in effort to become real.
  • Deceased loved one appearing in game after manifestation via Smart Assistant thwarted.
  • Any path resulting in your head exploding.

By now it’s clear: through the ‘Black Mirror Guarantee’, Best Buy wants to maintain technology’s presence in your life as that of a friendly companion — not a monkey’s-paw style trap that pairs your worst flaws with thematically satisfying punishments. So, thanks again for your continued trust.

To verify acceptance of this offer, press your thumb onto the pad below.

You will feel a small prick — but do not pull away.

Everything you experience from this moment onwards will be only what you deserve.

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Written by

Writing: Work In Progress on Showtime, The New Yorker, NPR’s Live From Here, Hello From The Magic Tavern, McSweeney’s, Jackbox Games | Twitter @MisterSniffen

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