Now That The Theater Has Miraculously Survived, We Have No Choice But To Address Your Garbage Improv Skills
I thought this moment would never come. When we closed our doors, I wondered how we could ever survive: hell, our good months were spent on the verge of financial ruin. After a while, the idea of doing a show here again seemed unthinkable… who could have guessed a massive arts funding grant would arrive just when we needed it? And tonight, against all odds, we’re opening back up to offer crowds the joy of improv comedy. It’s a miracle.
Which means I have no option but to talk to you about the mudslide of turds you were leaving on this stage until we closed.
Look, I had hoped to avoid this conversation. The night the theater shut down, I was working up the nerve to pull you aside after you joined every scene as “Junkyard Santa” with the bathroom garbage bin on your head. Your teammates were begging you to stop — but we know listening isn’t really your thing. The stage manager even pulled the lights, but by then you had started keeping a flashlight in your show pants. I was coming backstage when the governor’s office called.
In that regard, COVID bought you some time.
I’m not saying I was relieved at the arrival of a worldwide pandemic. But I suppose even the greatest public disaster has…
