New Taxes On You, An Enormously Wealthy Person

Tax season has arrived! As an enormously wealthy person, of course you want to pay your fair share — but how?

Breathe easy through that platinum cigarette holder! With these sensible additions to the tax code, created with the wealthy lifestyle in mind, you can contribute appropriately and get back to that morning stroll around the atrium Champagne fountain before today’s private space shuttle launch.

Peacock Tax. Are you that special kind of wealthy person with exotic animals wandering the grounds, each a living testament to the idea that nothing is so rare or wild as to be beyond your control? Pay up. Are the animals endangered? Considered extinct by the outside world? Are they human-animal hybrids, wrestling with the spiritual implications of their hellish existence? Additional penalties may apply.

Literally Swimming In Riches Tax. Have you amassed so many gold coins that you can physically swim in them? Taxes to be assessed based on number of laps completed per day, with an added fee for doing the backstroke while spitting out a stream of precious gems.

Most Dangerous Game Tax. Inviting strangers to your remote island to hunt for sport has ramifications. Besides the ethical ones. Who will pay for travel? Will you be serving a lavish, misleading meal before your plan is unveiled? Should your prey evade you, will you claim them as a dependant?

Green Light Across The Water Tax. A modest amount to be charged for each person or object exerting a pull over you that threatens to destroy everything for which you’ve worked. Tax can be transferred generationally should your obsession become your undoing.

Sterling Tax. For each child named ‘Sterling’.

Maniacal Balcony Laughter Tax. As an enormously wealthy person, it’s expected of you to occasionally stand on the balcony of your fortress, gaze upon the village below and burst into delicious laughter; we ask only that you give back to the many people who made this moment of sinister indulgence possible. Juliet balconies, widow’s walks, parapets and covered porches all apply.

Masquerade Sex Party Tax. Does your sprawling mansion often become the backdrop for a masked pleasure ritual? Beyond the standard deduction of twice per year, you’re looking at tax consequences. Irreparably altered marital power dynamics and identities lost amidst the swirl of flesh will incur additional fines.

Nomadland Tax. Still working out the details but after watching Nomadland we’re positive you need to pay more taxes.

Currency Used As Something Else Tax. Are you the kind of wealthy person who sets high-value bills on fire to light your cigar? While inefficient, this repurposed wealth remains taxable; same for the block of bills balancing a wobbly table, being thrown at a bothersome songbird, or, in greater numbers, propping up your feet as a makeshift ottoman.

Two Cents On Every Dollar Over Fifty Million Tax. This is that extreme measure from Elizabeth Warren that would never have worked. Forget we mentioned it.

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