New Taxes On You, An Enormously Wealthy Person

Tim Sniffen
3 min readMay 17, 2021

Tax season has arrived! As an enormously wealthy person, you want to pay your fair share — but how?

Breathe easy through that platinum cigarette holder! These sensible additions to the tax code, written with you in mind, will allow you to contribute appropriately and then get back to that morning stroll around the atrium Champagne fountain before today’s private space shuttle launch.

Peacock Tax: Are you that special kind of wealthy person with exotic animals wandering the grounds, each a living testament to the idea that nothing is so rare or wild as to be beyond your control? Pay up. Are the animals endangered? Considered extinct by the outside world? Are they human-animal hybrids, wrestling with the spiritual implications of their hellish existence? Additional penalties may apply.

Swimming In Riches Tax: Have you amassed so many gold coins that you can literally swim in them? Taxes to be assessed based on number of laps completed per day. Added fee for doing a backstroke while spitting out a stream of precious gems.

Most Dangerous Game Tax: Inviting strangers to your remote island to hunt them for sport has ramifications, besides the ethical ones. Who will pay for travel? Will you be serving a lavish, misleading meal before your plan is unveiled? Should your prey evade you, will you claim them as a dependant?

Green Light Across The Water Tax: A modest amount to be charged for each person or object exerting a pull over you that threatens to destroy everything for which you’ve worked. Tax can be transferred generationally should your obsession become your undoing.

Sterling Tax: For each child named ‘Sterling’.

Maniacal Balcony Laughter Tax: As an enormously wealthy person, it’s expected that you’ll occasionally stand on the balcony of your fortress, gaze upon the village below and burst into delicious laughter; we ask only that you give back to the people who made this moment of sinister indulgence possible. Juliet balconies, widow’s walks, parapets and covered porches all apply.

Masquerade Sex Party Tax: How often does your sprawling mansion become the backdrop for a masked pleasure ritual? After the standard allowance of twice per year, you’re looking at tax…

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Tim Sniffen

Writing: Work In Progress on Showtime, The New Yorker, NPR’s Live From Here, Hello From The Magic Tavern, McSweeney’s, Jackbox Games | Twitter @MisterSniffen