New Taxes On You, An Enormously Wealthy Person

Tax season has arrived! As an enormously wealthy person, you want to pay your fair share — but how?

Breathe easy through that platinum cigarette holder! These sensible additions to the tax code, written with you in mind, will allow you to contribute appropriately and then get back to that morning stroll around the atrium Champagne fountain before today’s private space shuttle launch.

Peacock Tax: Are you that special kind of wealthy person with exotic animals wandering the grounds, each a living testament to the idea that nothing is so rare or wild as to be beyond your control? Pay up. Are the animals endangered? Considered extinct by the outside world? Are they human-animal hybrids, wrestling with the spiritual implications of their hellish existence? Additional penalties may apply.

Swimming In Riches Tax: Have you amassed so many gold coins that you can literally swim in them? Taxes to be assessed based on number of laps completed per day. Added fee for doing a backstroke while spitting out a stream of precious gems.

Most Dangerous Game Tax: Inviting strangers to your remote island to hunt them for sport has ramifications, besides the ethical ones. Who will pay for travel? Will you be serving a lavish, misleading meal before your plan is unveiled? Should your prey evade you, will you…