Soon we’ll be back onstage! Okay, not all of us.

I thought this moment would never come. When we closed our doors, I wondered how we could ever survive: hell, our good months were spent on the verge of financial ruin. After a while, the idea of doing a show here again seemed unthinkable… who could have guessed a massive arts funding grant would arrive just when we needed it? And tonight, against all odds, we’re opening back up to offer crowds the joy of improv comedy. It’s a miracle.

Which means I have no option but to talk to you about the mudslide of turds you were leaving on…

Tax season has arrived! As an enormously wealthy person, of course you want to pay your fair share — but how?

Breathe easy through that platinum cigarette holder! With these sensible additions to the tax code, created with the wealthy lifestyle in mind, you can contribute appropriately and get back to that morning stroll around the atrium Champagne fountain before today’s private space shuttle launch.

Peacock Tax. Are you that special kind of wealthy person with exotic animals wandering the grounds, each a living testament to the idea that nothing is so rare or wild as to be beyond your…

COVID is surging and the race towards a vaccine has never been more urgent. While labs around the world make continuing progress, the worldwide medical community agrees our best chance for a solution rests with two independent researchers: Robert Shearing and Linda Shearing-Davis, long considered the foremost experts on infectious disease, married until very recently.

AP spoke with the team outside their facility in Atlanta, GA.

AP: When did you first learn about COVID?

LINDA: We were literally walking out of the courthouse. I had planned a big trip to Tahoe.

ROB: I was about to start the Appalachian Trail.

Well, I’m as stuffed as a moth in a sweater factory!

Thank you all again for inviting me to this lovely supper. It’s not often I can put down my congressional duties and enjoy such fine hospitality; might I return the favor by slicing up this pecan pie I brought along for dessert? Nothing like a good slice of pie at the end of the day.

Let’s see, I might as well set this first piece next to myself, seeing as I’m right here and this way, I can test to see if it’s poisoned or spoiled or whatnot.


Hey, roomie!

Thanks for the heart-to-heart last night. You were right to share your concern that so much isolation is, as you put it, “Seriously fucking up your connection to reality.”

I thought about that a lot while hand-scrubbing the mail with paint thinner.

It’s been a trying time for everyone, no doubt, nowhere more so than this one-and-a-half bedroom garden apartment with eight minutes of natural light per day. …

Administration press briefings, absent for nearly a year, are again part of our daily lives. Many of us cannot watch these without rending expensive throw pillows in half, punching drywall, or shouting at the television in tones that frighten pets and neighbors. To make your next viewing more bearable, try drifting briefly into one of these imagined scenarios.

The president is explaining how “Social Distancing When You Feel Like It” is a viable option when music starts to play on the briefing room PA system. According to custom, the press stand and walk in a cautious circle around the perimeter…

Can an essay capture an event so completely life-changing? Probably not. Where to begin? What clumsy collection of words would ever suffice?

Yet, I must try. Because if this can convey to you even an echo of what I have witnessed, it will be worth it. Otherwise, you may never know.

I had resigned myself to never seeing Hamilton. The odds had become too steep, the act of hoping, too painful, and I had convinced myself it was never meant to be. I could survive without it; I would have to.

Then, one morning, there it lay on my doorstep…

We don’t care how you got here. At this point, time spent wallowing in shame, trying to unravel the string of choices that brought you to us, is time neither of us can afford.

The bottom line: you’re here, the holidays so close you can smell the gingerbread, and you apparently need to ship something.

You still have options. Let’s review them.

Expedited Shipping

Expedited Shipping means whatever we do with Standard Shipping, but way faster. For way more money. At this late hour, however, we cannot fully guarantee your parcel will arrive in time. …

Hello, Pamela! You may want to sit down.

There we were, a few weeks ago at the Brightside Chiropractic Annual Holiday Marketing Brainstorm. The mood was grim. We were ready to trudge through the same old holiday drill: send calendars and postcards to the printers, copy and paste last year’s email blast, buy peppermints for the sign-in desk, call it done.

Then all hell broke loose.

From the farthest corner of the table, Morgan — our new intern and quite the firecracker — says, “What if we just blew the whole budget on one person?”

A tense silence.

Then cheers.

Greetings from your favorite streaming service!

We at Netflix would like to remind you: we’re not just the studio behind entertainment juggernauts like Nostalgic Spookytown. Deep down in our secret corporate heart, we feel an obligation to provide content that appeals to every member of our sprawling viewership, and to that end, we continuously seek out fresh, new voices — those telling stories not being told elsewhere — and offer the full support of our platform, right up until the moment we don’t anymore.

With this in mind, please join us in welcoming these thrilling new additions to our programming…

Tim Sniffen

Writing: Work In Progress on Showtime, The New Yorker, NPR’s Live From Here, Hello From The Magic Tavern, McSweeney’s, Jackbox Games | Twitter @MisterSniffen

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